Why We Want to Adopt

Every hopeful adoptive couple (or single!) has a unique story, just as every person who decides to choose adoption for their child has a unique story. Ours began in 2007 when Robert and I were visiting his parents in England.

It was Christmastime and we had just been to a pantomime at The Marlowe Theatre in Canterbury. A pantomime is an English Christmas tradition. In America, we would think of a pantomime as a play with a twist ... the audience gets to participate. The pantomime we saw was Snow White. Like Shrek, this version of Snow White was for kids but also contained humor for the grown-ups. Anyway, I digress as usual.

Robert and I were lying in bed getting ready to shut off the lights and get some shut-eye when he told me he wanted to have a baby. I thought he was kidding. The next day, I brought it up again just to be sure. He reassured me he was ready, and so our journey began.

Fast forward to 2009. Robert and I had tried to have a baby naturally but it just wasn't happening. Month after month, we'd build ourselves up, only to be let down by a big fat "-" on the pregnancy test. We talked with our doctor who recommended we see an infertility specialist. He conducted test after test. I had a CCCT and an HSG (which, by the way, is not a comfortable procedure at all). Robert had a sperm analysis (I won't go into the details but how humiliating!). Everything looked a-okay. We started taking Clomid. That didn't work. We decided to try IUI coupled with ovulation induction - yes, Robert had to inject me with hCG to increase the number of eggs available for insemination. It was all becoming so scientific. And the majority of infertility treatments are not covered by insurance. Robert and I were disheartened, thinking we would never get to be parents. We decided to take a much-needed break.

What people don't tell you about infertility is that it takes a huge emotional toll on couples. Robert and I were worn out and our spirits were low. We came to the realization that we just were not going to have a baby naturally. And so we shifted gears and started working on our relationship. We reconnected in a different way - our relationship slowly grew stronger and stronger. We both realized that even though we could not have a child naturally, we still had a desire to parent together. And the fact that our child might not be our biological child somehow just didn't seem to matter. Slowly, a glimmer of hope began to emerge.

We began researching adoption as an option for us. But there were so many choices - international vs. domestic, private/independent vs. agency, open, closed, biracial, transracial ... which one was right for us? After many months of talking to people who have successfully adopted, meeting with an adoption attorney and talking with an adoption agency, we decided to adopt domestically (in the United States). We also decided on an independent adoption instead of an agency adoption. Independent, or private, adoption is where the hopeful adoptive couple finds an individual or a couple who have chosen adoption for their child. All parties come to an agreement that works for them and an attorney takes care of the details. We've also decided we don't care what race the baby is or whether the baby is a boy or girl. We know the right situation will find us, no matter what that is.

And so here we are almost five years later still trying to find our someone. This road has not been an easy one. The financial burden alone has been tough. But I have to say Robert and I have grown so strong as a couple because and despite it all. We continue to reach out to family, friends and even strangers to find someone who would like for us to adopt their child and raise it in our home. I hope it happens soon but, if not, we will persevere.

Sunshine on My Shoulders

I drove to my yoga class this morning in the beaming sunshine! I can't believe this Winter has been so mild. The temperature today was in the upper 50s. 

We're looking forward to Springtime in Virginia. In March or April, Washington DC has its annual Cherry Tree festival. The festival lasts for just a short time while the Cherry Trees bloom. There is so much for families to do and see. I hope the weather remains pretty throughout the season. 

In the coming weeks, we're planning a trip to Richmond, Virginia. Richmond is full of history and is the capital of Virginia so promises to be a fun trip. We are going to shop at Short Pump, a town center and mall that has all kinds of shops. We are slowly pulling together a nursery and are looking for furniture that is gender-neutral so we can welcome either a boy or a girl to our family when the time comes. 

Also on our list is the National Zoo. I've been to many zoos throughout the country but am looking forward to seeing all the animals. My favorites are usually the seals and otters. They are so playful. I think of them as water dogs! 

Most of all, though, Robert and I are looking forward to more and more days of sunshine. We look forward to gardening and walking, grilling out and sitting out on the patio in the evenings. Here's to Spring! I can see you on the horizon!!

Pregnant? Adoption Is a Powerful Choice

Private (Independent) Adoption in Virginia - How it Works

Adoptive parents in Virginia who choose to adopt a child through private (independent) adoption follow a long but rewarding path. Everything must fall into place just right, from picking an experienced adoption lawyer meeting and matching with the right birth parents and beyond. Becoming an adoptive parent takes commitment and persistence, but most of all, faith.

For a birth parent, understanding this long journey might help them understand that adoptive parents choose to take this path. They devote their time, their resources ... and indeed their lives to finding the right match. There's no way all of the steps on the path can be outlined in one little blog post, but a quick snapshot may help:

• Adoptive parents decide to adopt - The reasons for the decision to adopt are many. For us, the decision came after two years of trying to have a biological child. The infertility process is difficult, even for the most devoted couples. We finally decided the Universe was trying to tell us something - that adoption is the right path for us.
• Select an adoption attorney (lawyer) - Adoption laws are very targeted, and because of that, choosing an attorney who specializes in adoption is key. Alternately, if the birth parents who match with the adoptive couple don't have an attorney, they should select an adoption lawyer too. Adoption lawyers will know all the ins and outs of the adoption laws in a particular state.
• Complete a home study - What can we say about the home study? The home study evaluates the potential adoptive parents for adoption readiness. Adoptive parents must be screened by the FBI, must have child abuse clearance in every state that they have lived in, be screened by a social worker and provide a huge amount of personal information, including financial information. The process can take months and months, and costs, on average, $2,000 to $3,000 to complete. 
• Search for birth parents - Once a home study is approved, the adoptive parents who choose private adoption start looking for birth mothers who have chosen or are considering an adoption plan for their child. The search can include word of mouth, newspaper ads and social media networking.
• The first meeting - Once a connection is made with a birth mother, or birth parents, the adoptive parents meet with them in a public place (such as a restaurant) to see if there is chemistry and to exchange important information. 
• Birth parents retain lawyer - The birth parents are advised to retain the services of an attorney (lawyer). This attorney is separate from the adoptive parents' attorney and represents the interests of the birth parents and the child.
• Medical release from birth parents - Adoptive parents ask the birth parents to release their medical records. This will help the adoptive parents understand the genetic gifts birth parents have passed on to their children. 
• Make prenatal and hospital arrangements - The best gift a birth mother can give to her child is to take care of herself. That means taking prenatal vitamins and visiting an OB/GYN (a doctor who specializes in caring for women's gynecological needs and who can deliver a baby) on a regular basis to be sure the pregnancy is going well. 
• Child is born - Enough said.
• Birth parents give legal consent - In Virginia, birth parents can give legal consent three days after the birth of a child.
• Obtain ICPC consent if the child is from out of state - ICPC stands for Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children and is required if a child is adopted outside of the state in which the adoptive parents reside.
• Adoption finalized by court - In Virginia, the adoption is usually finalized eight months. The consent from the birth parents cannot be revoked 10 days after a child is born.

As birth parents, did you ever think that adoptive parents had to do so much to adopt a child? It's my hope that this information will help you understand that adoption is a choice for adoptive parents, and that they walk this path because they desire to parent and love a child. It's a huge commitment, and one that demonstrates adoptive parents' devotion to the child they plan to adopt.  And of course, you are not alone on this journey either. There are so many resources available to you, if you choose an adoption plan for your child. Ask questions. Get as much information as possible. And make sure, most of all, that you take care of yourself.

Please note that we are not adoption professionals. The information provided in this blog is compiled from credible adoption resources but please be sure to talk with an adoption lawyer to get the facts on the laws and to know what's right for you. If you do not know an adoption lawyer, visit the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys and look for one in your state.