Private (Independent) Adoption in Virginia - How it Works

Adoptive parents in Virginia who choose to adopt a child through private (independent) adoption follow a long but rewarding path. Everything must fall into place just right, from picking an experienced adoption lawyer meeting and matching with the right birth parents and beyond. Becoming an adoptive parent takes commitment and persistence, but most of all, faith.

For a birth parent, understanding this long journey might help them understand that adoptive parents choose to take this path. They devote their time, their resources ... and indeed their lives to finding the right match. There's no way all of the steps on the path can be outlined in one little blog post, but a quick snapshot may help:

• Adoptive parents decide to adopt - The reasons for the decision to adopt are many. For us, the decision came after two years of trying to have a biological child. The infertility process is difficult, even for the most devoted couples. We finally decided the Universe was trying to tell us something - that adoption is the right path for us.
• Select an adoption attorney (lawyer) - Adoption laws are very targeted, and because of that, choosing an attorney who specializes in adoption is key. Alternately, if the birth parents who match with the adoptive couple don't have an attorney, they should select an adoption lawyer too. Adoption lawyers will know all the ins and outs of the adoption laws in a particular state.
• Complete a home study - What can we say about the home study? The home study evaluates the potential adoptive parents for adoption readiness. Adoptive parents must be screened by the FBI, must have child abuse clearance in every state that they have lived in, be screened by a social worker and provide a huge amount of personal information, including financial information. The process can take months and months, and costs, on average, $2,000 to $3,000 to complete. 
• Search for birth parents - Once a home study is approved, the adoptive parents who choose private adoption start looking for birth mothers who have chosen or are considering an adoption plan for their child. The search can include word of mouth, newspaper ads and social media networking.
• The first meeting - Once a connection is made with a birth mother, or birth parents, the adoptive parents meet with them in a public place (such as a restaurant) to see if there is chemistry and to exchange important information. 
• Birth parents retain lawyer - The birth parents are advised to retain the services of an attorney (lawyer). This attorney is separate from the adoptive parents' attorney and represents the interests of the birth parents and the child.
• Medical release from birth parents - Adoptive parents ask the birth parents to release their medical records. This will help the adoptive parents understand the genetic gifts birth parents have passed on to their children. 
• Make prenatal and hospital arrangements - The best gift a birth mother can give to her child is to take care of herself. That means taking prenatal vitamins and visiting an OB/GYN (a doctor who specializes in caring for women's gynecological needs and who can deliver a baby) on a regular basis to be sure the pregnancy is going well. 
• Child is born - Enough said.
• Birth parents give legal consent - In Virginia, birth parents can give legal consent three days after the birth of a child.
• Obtain ICPC consent if the child is from out of state - ICPC stands for Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children and is required if a child is adopted outside of the state in which the adoptive parents reside.
• Adoption finalized by court - In Virginia, the adoption is usually finalized eight months. The consent from the birth parents cannot be revoked 10 days after a child is born.

As birth parents, did you ever think that adoptive parents had to do so much to adopt a child? It's my hope that this information will help you understand that adoption is a choice for adoptive parents, and that they walk this path because they desire to parent and love a child. It's a huge commitment, and one that demonstrates adoptive parents' devotion to the child they plan to adopt.  And of course, you are not alone on this journey either. There are so many resources available to you, if you choose an adoption plan for your child. Ask questions. Get as much information as possible. And make sure, most of all, that you take care of yourself.

Please note that we are not adoption professionals. The information provided in this blog is compiled from credible adoption resources but please be sure to talk with an adoption lawyer to get the facts on the laws and to know what's right for you. If you do not know an adoption lawyer, visit the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys and look for one in your state.

The First Meeting - Questions Adoptive Parents May Ask a Birth Mother

The first meeting between a birth mother (or birth parents) and potential adoptive parents can be daunting for everyone involved. To cut down on the level of stress and to help both parties get to know each other better, it's a good idea to exchange some very basic information.

As a birth mother, you definitely don't want to talk about the weather or the latest movies. After all, you're there for a reason - to find the right adoptive parents for your child. If the adoptive parents are asking you questions, it's just because they - like you - are trying to get to know you and understand if the situation is right for them. Remember, everyone at the table is probably very nervous. Take a deep breath, take your time and try to provide as much information as possible. And remember ... you are allowed to ask questions too.

Questions Adoptive Parents May Ask a Birth Mother

About the Birth Mother:

• What is your name and address?
• What is your date of birth?
• What is a phone number where you may be reached?
• Tell us your situation.
• Why are you considering adoption?
• Are you currently married?

The reason why adoptive parents need contact information is so that both parties can keep the lines of communication open. The adoption process requires open communication in order to be sure you are taking care of yourself and getting the best care for your baby. You may want the adoptive couple to go with you to doctor visits or help you get back and forth to your lawyer. It's always best to supply adoptive parents with as much information about yourself as possible.

About the Birth Father:

• Who is the birth father?
• Where does the birth father live?
• What is the birth father's age and date of birth?
• Does the birth father know about the pregnancy?
• Does the birth father agree to the adoption?

Birth fathers have a right to know they are parents. If the birth father is known, every attempt should be made to obtain his consent to the adoption. In Virginia, men who think they have fathered a child can register on the Putative Father Registry so they will be notified in the case of adoption or termination of parental rights. Of course, registration does not prove paternity - birth fathers will still be required to undergo paternity testing to prove they are the biological father of the child.

About your pregnancy:

• How do you know you are pregnant?
• Have you had any previous pregnancies or do you have children now?
• Have you seen a doctor? If so, do you know your due date?
• Do you have medical insurance?
• How are you feeling?
• Are you having any complications?
• Are you on prenatal vitamins?

Taking care of yourself and your baby are the most important things you can do right now. If you have not already, you should schedule an appointment with a doctor (preferably an OB/GYN) who can help guide you through prenatal care and who will be your health care partner through the delivery. You may also find connections to other resources, such as counseling to help you weather the emotions that you may be feeling right now. If you are not under the care of a doctor, you can ask your adoptive parents to help find one for you. If you do not currently have medical insurance, you may qualify for Medicaid to help pay for your health care needs. In the state of Virginia, adoptive parents are allowed to help out with medical expenses - most of the time, that means taking care of copays and driving you to your doctor visit, if you need a ride.

About your support system:

• Does your family know about your choice for adoption? For example, what does your mother think? Is she supportive?
• Do you have a good support system through family or friends?
• Would you like to speak with our adoption lawyer?

You are not alone on this journey. There are countless resources available to you, if you are willing to look for them. Friends and family can offer emotional support. Counseling is never a bad idea to help you understand the feelings you are going through and to help you know that the choice you are making is the right one for you. You may want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting to understand the changes your body is going through or sign up for a week-by-week pregnancy calendar online. As for a lawyer, you will need a lawyer to represent you if you are involved in a private or independent adoption. Your lawyer will make sure that your rights and needs are represented. Have compassion for yourself and make sure you are taking care of you.

About your choice to adopt:

• What are you looking for in an adoption plan?
• What led you to us?

There are so many different types of adoption available today. The best part is that you get to decide what type of adoption you want for your child. Do you want the adoptive parents to be in the delivery room with you? Do you want the adoptive parents to take physical custody of your child directly from the hospital? What kind of contact do you want after the adoption? Letters and photos? An occasional phone call? You define the terms. You decide what's best for you and your child. 

Remember, the adoptive parents aren't pushing you into a corner by asking questions that probably seem very invasive. Instead, they are just trying to gather the facts needed to ensure the adoption is right for everyone involved - you, the birth father, the adoptive parents, and your child.

Some Truths About Domestic Adoption

Truths About Birth Moms

• Most birthmothers today are older than 18 years of age.
• Some birthmothers are struggling to rear a first child and don't believe they can manage parenting a second child.
• Birthmothers do care about their children - they care enough to know that they can't parent at this time and choose an adoption plan.
• If a birth mom does not have insurance, she can often sign up for Medicaid to help them with the expense of carrying and delivering a baby.

Truths About Adoptees

• Adoptees may be better adjusted than non-adopted peers.
• Adopted adolescents have a positive self-image and resolve identity concerns 'at rates as high or higher than their peers.'

Borrowed from The Truth About Domestic Adoption, a article by Eliza Newlin Carney.