Thoughts on Juno

Picture from: http://www.barrylou.com/juno.html

Have you ever seen that movie Juno? You know the one. A quirky high school girl gets pregnant and decides to terminate the pregnancy then has a moment of reality and changes her mind, consequently choosing an adoption plan? (Whew!) The movie's received a lot of criticism because it doesn't take the perspective of the birth mother seriously enough. After reading birth mother blogs and birth mother books and meeting a deeply grieving birth mother, I can definitely see how Juno would be ... well, almost insulting to a birth mother. Then again, I've never been a birth mother. But I have been pregnant when I was young. Unlike Juno, I didn't choose adoption. And now, here I am at a time in my life when I would love to have a baby - and I can't. I understand the grieving, and honor it.

What struck me, though, while I was watching the first meeting scene, was the portrayal of the adoptive parents. Jennifer Garner plays an overzealous adoptive mother. Her desperation to be a mother simply oozes. Her perfect life is just a facade for the broken, anxious mess that she's become. Jason Bateman plays the complete opposite, a complacent adoptive father who isn't happy in his marriage.

The first time I watched this movie, I thought, "what an a**hole." But, having gone through the experience of infertility, I know what the whole process can do to a marriage. Month after month you face the fact that you aren't pregnant. You take hormones that make you crazy. The doctors and health care providers aren't sympathetic. It's all so ... clinical. The pressure on both the wife and the husband is enormous. You lose a sense of who you are and it just becomes all about the process. Robert and I learned that path just wasn't for us.

Back to Juno. In one scene, Juno walks up the stairs of the adoptive parents' home to go to the bathroom. On the wall by the staircase is a series of pictures, the adoptive couple dressed all in white, smiling at the camera looking like models in a frame on the shelf of Macy's. That's hilarious. Once my sister had our entire family buy blue shirts and black pants for a family photo. I bought one of them and put it in a box. It wasn't us. We don't believe in shiny lights and photoshop. We are who we are.

Despite the extreme character portrayals, if I were to write a book about adoption, it would have to be like Juno. A little quirky, a little humor sprinkled in with a lot of reality. Humor is a coping mechanism - and the business of infertility and adoption is serious business.

Am I like the Jennifer Garner character? Well, I don't think she would own two crazy dogs that like to sleep on the furniture. Because I work from home, I wear jeans most of the time. You won't find a sitting room in our house and it's not perfectly clean. We don't have a maid. And if you've seen the pictures of Robert, you already know he's not like Jason Bateman. He's very affectionate and energetic. He's looking forward to being an adoptive dad. The both of us have gone through some pretty tough times together, which have made us stronger than ever. Robert is the best friend I've ever had.

Despite it all, I like the movie Juno. This is one fictional situation - and every adoption story is different. So I can watch it with perspective and appreciate it for what it is. Just a movie. I know our own adoption story will involve a lot of emotions - fear, doubt, anger, sadness, happiness, hope and maybe even some humor sprinkled in with all of that.

The First Meeting - Questions Adoptive Parents May Ask a Birth Mother

The first meeting between a birth mother (or birth parents) and potential adoptive parents can be daunting for everyone involved. To cut down on the level of stress and to help both parties get to know each other better, it's a good idea to exchange some very basic information.

As a birth mother, you definitely don't want to talk about the weather or the latest movies. After all, you're there for a reason - to find the right adoptive parents for your child. If the adoptive parents are asking you questions, it's just because they - like you - are trying to get to know you and understand if the situation is right for them. Remember, everyone at the table is probably very nervous. Take a deep breath, take your time and try to provide as much information as possible. And remember ... you are allowed to ask questions too.

Questions Adoptive Parents May Ask a Birth Mother

About the Birth Mother:

• What is your name and address?
• What is your date of birth?
• What is a phone number where you may be reached?
• Tell us your situation.
• Why are you considering adoption?
• Are you currently married?

The reason why adoptive parents need contact information is so that both parties can keep the lines of communication open. The adoption process requires open communication in order to be sure you are taking care of yourself and getting the best care for your baby. You may want the adoptive couple to go with you to doctor visits or help you get back and forth to your lawyer. It's always best to supply adoptive parents with as much information about yourself as possible.

About the Birth Father:

• Who is the birth father?
• Where does the birth father live?
• What is the birth father's age and date of birth?
• Does the birth father know about the pregnancy?
• Does the birth father agree to the adoption?

Birth fathers have a right to know they are parents. If the birth father is known, every attempt should be made to obtain his consent to the adoption. In Virginia, men who think they have fathered a child can register on the Putative Father Registry so they will be notified in the case of adoption or termination of parental rights. Of course, registration does not prove paternity - birth fathers will still be required to undergo paternity testing to prove they are the biological father of the child.

About your pregnancy:

• How do you know you are pregnant?
• Have you had any previous pregnancies or do you have children now?
• Have you seen a doctor? If so, do you know your due date?
• Do you have medical insurance?
• How are you feeling?
• Are you having any complications?
• Are you on prenatal vitamins?

Taking care of yourself and your baby are the most important things you can do right now. If you have not already, you should schedule an appointment with a doctor (preferably an OB/GYN) who can help guide you through prenatal care and who will be your health care partner through the delivery. You may also find connections to other resources, such as counseling to help you weather the emotions that you may be feeling right now. If you are not under the care of a doctor, you can ask your adoptive parents to help find one for you. If you do not currently have medical insurance, you may qualify for Medicaid to help pay for your health care needs. In the state of Virginia, adoptive parents are allowed to help out with medical expenses - most of the time, that means taking care of copays and driving you to your doctor visit, if you need a ride.

About your support system:

• Does your family know about your choice for adoption? For example, what does your mother think? Is she supportive?
• Do you have a good support system through family or friends?
• Would you like to speak with our adoption lawyer?

You are not alone on this journey. There are countless resources available to you, if you are willing to look for them. Friends and family can offer emotional support. Counseling is never a bad idea to help you understand the feelings you are going through and to help you know that the choice you are making is the right one for you. You may want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting to understand the changes your body is going through or sign up for a week-by-week pregnancy calendar online. As for a lawyer, you will need a lawyer to represent you if you are involved in a private or independent adoption. Your lawyer will make sure that your rights and needs are represented. Have compassion for yourself and make sure you are taking care of you.

About your choice to adopt:

• What are you looking for in an adoption plan?
• What led you to us?

There are so many different types of adoption available today. The best part is that you get to decide what type of adoption you want for your child. Do you want the adoptive parents to be in the delivery room with you? Do you want the adoptive parents to take physical custody of your child directly from the hospital? What kind of contact do you want after the adoption? Letters and photos? An occasional phone call? You define the terms. You decide what's best for you and your child. 

Remember, the adoptive parents aren't pushing you into a corner by asking questions that probably seem very invasive. Instead, they are just trying to gather the facts needed to ensure the adoption is right for everyone involved - you, the birth father, the adoptive parents, and your child.

A Thai Curry Noodle Soup Experiment

When I first met Robert, he had a few cooking specialties: Indian curry, bread and butter pudding and anything pork. Did I mention Robert is originally from England? Yeah, that means he likes strange things like Turkish delight and Christmas pudding. Me? Not so much. But I do love to cook. And since Robert's palate is so diverse, he'll give pretty much anything a taste. That means I get to experiment!

My latest came from Martha Stewart's Living Magazine. I found a recipe for Coconut-Curry Noodle Soup. Don't crinkle your nose. It was pretty darned good! I did accidently buy green curry sauce instead of yellow but I actually think that made the soup even better.

Ingredients:

• 10 ounces Chinese rice noodles (I bought soba)
• 1 T safflower or peanut oil (I had olive oil, so that's what I used)
• 1/4 cup plus 1 T Thai yellow curry paste (I used green curry paste, which was all I could find at the grocery store)
• 4 cups chicken stock
• 1 can unsweetened coconut milk (I used light)
• 1 lemon
• Fresh basil

I also used:

• Cooked, chopped chicken
• 1 lime

Boil noodles according to package directions. Drain and rinse under cold water. Toss with 1 tsp oil. Heat remaining 2 tsp oil in medium saucepan over medium heat. Cook curry paste, stirring 1-2 minutes. Whisk in chicken stock. Raise heat and bring to boil. Whisk in coconut milk. Cook until just simmering. Cut lemon in half and squeeze 1 half into saucepan. Divide noodles and soup among four bowls - or throw the noodles in the soup.

On the side, I also stir fried some basil leaves, threw in cooked chick and drizzled lime juice over the mixture. I let that cook for a couple of minutes then added the mixture to the soup.

Robert and I both agreed after all of the heavy Thanksgiving food that we ate over the past week, this soup was comforting and gentle on our digestive systems. Did I just say that? I sound like I'm writing an article for Yoga Journal ... anyway, it rocked! Try it if you dare. And, if you're feeling frisky, you could try it with different meats (I thought shrimp, a white flaky fish or even eating it vegetarian would be good). You could also buy red curry or yellow curry paste instead of green. That would set it off with different flavors. Experiment! Be Yourself!!

Turkey Day Trot

Thanksgiving 2011 was a little bit different this year for us. Usually, we wake up early and hang out with the family at mom and dad's house. We play games, eat appetizers and sip on egg nog. Not that we don't have fun - but I always find myself feeling like we could be doing something healthier! So this year I got it in my head that I wanted to run a 5K. I had soon recruited one of my nieces, two nephews and a sister to join in ... and of course Robert said he was all for it. Here we are just before the race in mom and dad's kitchen. That's me (the shorty), Robert, my niece and my younger sister.

Robert was the big winner, coming in at 28:11. He was followed by my 15 year old nephew, my 13 year old nephew and my 15 year old niece. Me and my younger sister followed soon afterward. The big winner of the day, in my opinion, was my 13 year old nephew. He's a tennis player but definitely not a runner. His mom was worried that he wouldn't make it. He stuck with Robert the entire time! He told me that he got a stitch during the last 1/2 mile and walked for just a bit. When he saw the finish line, he told himself, "I'm just gonna run" and he did!

After the race, we hopped into Robert's SUV and listened to some tunes ( Dance Dance by Fallout Boy, Raise Your Glass by Pink, Sit Down by James, Bodies by Drowning Pool, Not Afraid by Eminem, How Far We've Come by Matchbox 20, Walk by the Foo Fighters) as we drove to mom and dad's. Everyone took a shower and we were all soon sitting at the dinner table enjoying a huge meal of turkey and all the trimmings.

Hope you enjoyed yours.

Kris

You're Not on Your Own

Did you know that 75 to 80% of adoptions are done through private adoption? Private adoption is when a birth mother (or birth parents) choose adoptive parent(s) for her child. The adoption is finalized through the court system after the birth mom and the adoptive parents come to an agreement about the adoption of the birth mom's child.

We are Kris and Robert. We're pursuing a private adoption, and right now we're looking for a birth mother who would like to consider us as adoptive parents for her child. We know that this decision is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Your courage in considering adoption for your child tells us that you are a caring, committed and supportive person.

If you're curious about us and want to know more, please have a look around on this blog or visit our Facebook page. (You can find us on Facebook under krisandrobertadopt@gmail.com.) From time to time, we'll post pictures, stories and information about us to help you get to know us better. It is our goal to alleviate any concerns you may have about selecting us as adoptive parents for your child. We know you probably have a lot of expectations for your child and we want to know what those are. We'd love to honor you in the adoption process and make sure your feelings and emotions are respected.

Please don't be afraid about the legal procedures. We will help you find legal representation (a lawyer). This will be someone who represents your interests.

You are a beautiful person and are entitled to information so that you feel comfortable with your decision. If you have any questions or want to talk to us directly, please feel free to email us at krisandrobertadopt@gmail.com, call collect or text us at (540) 300-0223.