Pretty cool, huh.
It comes with a key-fit infant car seat for two-in-one functionality.
Can't wait to see who's going to sit in that seat!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Chicco Travel System
That's right. We bought the mac daddy of strollers today. The Chicco Travel System. And it was on SALE!
Failed Adoption
I think we just experienced a failed adoption.
A couple of nights ago, the phone rang, waking us up out of a deep sleep. It was a woman who said her niece is due tomorrow. I'll call her "C." She wanted to know if we were interested. Of course we said yes and it went from there. She immediately mentioned that she had been working with an adoption agency and that they had only offered to "compensate" her $3,000. Of course that was an immediate red flag but we still felt it was worth getting more information to see if this was a good situation for us.
We all know BMs don't get compensated for their babies. Sure, some reasonable expenses can be paid - such as attorney fees and medical bills - but compensation is completely unethical and, frankly, against the law. I pulled out my list of questions and went through everything as thoroughly as I could, asking for the birth mother's (BM's) name, address and phone number. Me and C made plans to talk in the morning.
The next morning, I texted and called the numbers that C had given me. She soon called back and I asked if we could talk to the BM. The BM got on the phone. She had just turned 23. She was living with her aunt and she was due that day. I asked her a few questions like why she wanted an adoption plan for her child and how she was feeling. She was very soft spoken, well-mannered and answered all of my questions with a little giggle and a "yes ma'am." I got a feeling that she deeply cared for her child and wanted only the best for it. When I asked her what her post-delivery needs might be, she told me I'd have to talk to her aunt. Another red flag.
I spoke with one of our adoption friends that afternoon. I told her about my concerns regarding the "compensation" discussion and the fact that the BM always deferred to the aunt. Our friend reminded me that these folks aren't in the same situation as us. We have no idea what their socioeconomic status might be or what they've been through to get to where they are. I'm so thankful that she reminded me of that. I began to see things differently and gave the aunt the benefit of the doubt. I thought, "what if my niece was in this situation?" I'd fight tooth and nail to help her out. Yet something continued to bother me, and it continued to bother Robert.
That night, around 10:00 or so, we received a text from the aunt. The BM was in the hospital and would deliver soon. We got ourselves ready to put the dogs in the kennel and make a 13-hour trip to the hospital ... not a light decision! That would have meant both of us taking off work until further notice, running to the store to make sure we had everything we'd need to stay with a baby in a hotel while ICPC cleared in another state, book a hotel, buy something lovely for the BM and who knows what else. All that before we even told our families!
We conferred with our lawyer. When he talked with the aunt, she immediately brought up "compensation." Without going into details, she said the BM had living and other expenses and asked for a large sum of money. We were willing to provide the BM with a reasonable amount (and, in fact, the law allows for "reasonable" expenses to be paid). Based on the information provided by the aunt, however, the expenses she was demanding didn't seem reasonable to us, and the lawyer agreed. Plus, we've saved and saved to provide a child with the comforts a newborn deserves.
After much deliberation with our lawyer, we decided to sleep on it and make a decision in the morning. It's my thinking that if the Universe has decided this baby is our adoptive baby, it's going to happen even if we wait eight hours to make a decision. We turned off our phone and went to sleep.
The next morning, I turned on the phone and there it was - a picture of the baby in a little white onesie, sweet as can be. I showed the picture to Robert and we sat down to talk. We decided this baby was worth fighting for. We called our lawyer and told him what we could afford to pay for expenses ... and we felt good about it. What we offered allowed us to help out the BM somewhat (who is a healthy, young 22 year old going through probably the roughest time in her life) and provide for her child in a way that we felt the child deserved. The aunt's reply? She said she'd take the baby home, get on the Internet and find another couple who could afford to pay what she was requesting.
The whole thing just felt dirty and unethical. I mean, the aunt is playing with people's lives ... and I'm not talking about ours. We are certainly disappointed, yet in the great scheme of things, I feel like the right situation will find us somehow and all will work out. We'll be fine. For that baby, though, the future is uncertain, as it is for the BM. If the aunt and BM hadn't planned on taking the baby home, chances are they don't have the first diaper, a bassinet, bottles, and all of the other essentials that a newborn needs to provide him or her with comfort and a good start in life. I hope the baby has love, though. I suspect as much because despite all the challenges, that BM loves her baby.
After talking with our lawyer one last time, we've moved on. And to help us move on, we went shopping. We hadn't bought anything for our nursery under the advice of many adoptive parents. They told us to wait because, chances are, we'd have a few weeks or even months to buy all that stuff after we were matched with a birth mom. After that experience, though, we felt it better safe than sorry. We called our friend who had just had a baby and asked her what "essentials" she would recommend in the case that we have to travel and stay for a while in another city with a newborn. Here's the list:
I know, doesn't really seem like a lot, does it - but the bill was $550. It sure does add up. And so, even though we thought all of these wonderful things (and more) were meant for this BM's little baby, we know now that everything we bought today and all the love and comforts we have to give are meant for another little baby somewhere. And we'll be ready.
A couple of nights ago, the phone rang, waking us up out of a deep sleep. It was a woman who said her niece is due tomorrow. I'll call her "C." She wanted to know if we were interested. Of course we said yes and it went from there. She immediately mentioned that she had been working with an adoption agency and that they had only offered to "compensate" her $3,000. Of course that was an immediate red flag but we still felt it was worth getting more information to see if this was a good situation for us.
We all know BMs don't get compensated for their babies. Sure, some reasonable expenses can be paid - such as attorney fees and medical bills - but compensation is completely unethical and, frankly, against the law. I pulled out my list of questions and went through everything as thoroughly as I could, asking for the birth mother's (BM's) name, address and phone number. Me and C made plans to talk in the morning.
The next morning, I texted and called the numbers that C had given me. She soon called back and I asked if we could talk to the BM. The BM got on the phone. She had just turned 23. She was living with her aunt and she was due that day. I asked her a few questions like why she wanted an adoption plan for her child and how she was feeling. She was very soft spoken, well-mannered and answered all of my questions with a little giggle and a "yes ma'am." I got a feeling that she deeply cared for her child and wanted only the best for it. When I asked her what her post-delivery needs might be, she told me I'd have to talk to her aunt. Another red flag.
I spoke with one of our adoption friends that afternoon. I told her about my concerns regarding the "compensation" discussion and the fact that the BM always deferred to the aunt. Our friend reminded me that these folks aren't in the same situation as us. We have no idea what their socioeconomic status might be or what they've been through to get to where they are. I'm so thankful that she reminded me of that. I began to see things differently and gave the aunt the benefit of the doubt. I thought, "what if my niece was in this situation?" I'd fight tooth and nail to help her out. Yet something continued to bother me, and it continued to bother Robert.
That night, around 10:00 or so, we received a text from the aunt. The BM was in the hospital and would deliver soon. We got ourselves ready to put the dogs in the kennel and make a 13-hour trip to the hospital ... not a light decision! That would have meant both of us taking off work until further notice, running to the store to make sure we had everything we'd need to stay with a baby in a hotel while ICPC cleared in another state, book a hotel, buy something lovely for the BM and who knows what else. All that before we even told our families!
We conferred with our lawyer. When he talked with the aunt, she immediately brought up "compensation." Without going into details, she said the BM had living and other expenses and asked for a large sum of money. We were willing to provide the BM with a reasonable amount (and, in fact, the law allows for "reasonable" expenses to be paid). Based on the information provided by the aunt, however, the expenses she was demanding didn't seem reasonable to us, and the lawyer agreed. Plus, we've saved and saved to provide a child with the comforts a newborn deserves.
After much deliberation with our lawyer, we decided to sleep on it and make a decision in the morning. It's my thinking that if the Universe has decided this baby is our adoptive baby, it's going to happen even if we wait eight hours to make a decision. We turned off our phone and went to sleep.
The next morning, I turned on the phone and there it was - a picture of the baby in a little white onesie, sweet as can be. I showed the picture to Robert and we sat down to talk. We decided this baby was worth fighting for. We called our lawyer and told him what we could afford to pay for expenses ... and we felt good about it. What we offered allowed us to help out the BM somewhat (who is a healthy, young 22 year old going through probably the roughest time in her life) and provide for her child in a way that we felt the child deserved. The aunt's reply? She said she'd take the baby home, get on the Internet and find another couple who could afford to pay what she was requesting.
The whole thing just felt dirty and unethical. I mean, the aunt is playing with people's lives ... and I'm not talking about ours. We are certainly disappointed, yet in the great scheme of things, I feel like the right situation will find us somehow and all will work out. We'll be fine. For that baby, though, the future is uncertain, as it is for the BM. If the aunt and BM hadn't planned on taking the baby home, chances are they don't have the first diaper, a bassinet, bottles, and all of the other essentials that a newborn needs to provide him or her with comfort and a good start in life. I hope the baby has love, though. I suspect as much because despite all the challenges, that BM loves her baby.
After talking with our lawyer one last time, we've moved on. And to help us move on, we went shopping. We hadn't bought anything for our nursery under the advice of many adoptive parents. They told us to wait because, chances are, we'd have a few weeks or even months to buy all that stuff after we were matched with a birth mom. After that experience, though, we felt it better safe than sorry. We called our friend who had just had a baby and asked her what "essentials" she would recommend in the case that we have to travel and stay for a while in another city with a newborn. Here's the list:
- Stroller/car seat travel system
- Head restraint for car seat
- Traveling bassinet
- Boppy (okay not essential but great to have)
- Diaper bag
- Bathtub
- Towels
- Washcloths
- Diapers
- Wipes
- Bottles
- Bottle cleaner
- Pacifiers
- Burping cloths
- Nail clipper set
- Onesies
- Socks
- Baby powder
- Diaper rash cream
- Lotion
I know, doesn't really seem like a lot, does it - but the bill was $550. It sure does add up. And so, even though we thought all of these wonderful things (and more) were meant for this BM's little baby, we know now that everything we bought today and all the love and comforts we have to give are meant for another little baby somewhere. And we'll be ready.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Working from Home
This past weekend, Robert and I took a lasagna over to some new friends who just had a baby girl. They had just arrived home from the hospital on Friday after a three-day hospital stay and we knew they'd be too tired to cook.
During our visit, I talked with "B", asking her about her experience in the hospital and her plans for the next few months. Here are some of the questions I asked her:
Q: Are you planning on daycare so you can go back to work?
A: I wish I could quit my job and stay at home full-time but we need the insurance. I drive an hour each way to work so I'm not sure what we are going to do. Daycare is $200/week.
Q: Why don't you find someone locally to take care of her while you work? That may save you some money.
A: Yes, that's a good idea. We hired a lady to take care of my first child and he is still close to her today. She lives in another town, though, so I would have to find someone close to home.
Q: When do you have to go back to work?
A: I took 10 weeks off and am planning to enjoy that time. My husband doesn't have time off because he is a contractor. He won't get paid if he doesn't go into work.
Q: Is she sleeping through the night?
A: She is doing pretty well but now that she has her appetite, she is waking us up quite regularly.
Q: When we adopt, I'd love for you to go shopping with me and help me pick out all of the stuff we'll need for the baby.
A: I'd love to do that. There's so much to buy and I know all of the right places to go to help you save money on things like a crib, a stroller, a car seat and the rest of the basics.
Q: What's your biggest expense right now?
A: Formula and diapers! You wouldn't believe how much it all costs. She's worth every penny, though.
Of course there were so many more questions because we hung out with them for a couple of hours. Since that visit, I've been very thankful that I have the opportunity to work from home. Working from home will allow me the flexibility to provide a stable environment for a child.
It was just over a year ago that I was working as a freelance writer. When Robert and I decided to adopt, I approached my favorite client and asked her if she would hire me full-time. It took her a month or two but she finally said yes. I set up my office at home and haven't looked back since. I'm able to conduct meetings on Skype and on the phone so I can schedule them at a time that suits my needs.
Because of my flexible schedule, I can drop work at a moment's notice and address the needs of a child. If he or she wakes up and needs a bottle, I'm there. Doctor visits are no problem - even unexpected ones! And because I have a flexible schedule, I can spend a lot of time with a baby when he or she is awake to cuddle and bond.
Even cooler, Robert's job provides insurance and he's home every day before 5pm. He comes in, kisses the dogs and unwinds then we spend the rest of the night together doing whatever - cooking and eating dinner together, talking about our day, watching television, playing Scrabble ... and once a week we go out on a "date night," which usually means taking a walk downtown and eating at a new restaurant. We're a very stable and predictable couple ... but one that is ready to care for a child.
Stability and a regular schedule are key to providing a sense of security and self-worth in the life of a child. I am just so thankful that Robert and I are able to provide that stability.
As for our friends, we are looking forward to babysitting, and I'm sure they'll take us up on that soon!
You might also like:
Adoption From the Perspective of a Birth Parent
Parenthood: Open vs. Closed Adoption
During our visit, I talked with "B", asking her about her experience in the hospital and her plans for the next few months. Here are some of the questions I asked her:
Q: Are you planning on daycare so you can go back to work?
A: I wish I could quit my job and stay at home full-time but we need the insurance. I drive an hour each way to work so I'm not sure what we are going to do. Daycare is $200/week.
Q: Why don't you find someone locally to take care of her while you work? That may save you some money.
A: Yes, that's a good idea. We hired a lady to take care of my first child and he is still close to her today. She lives in another town, though, so I would have to find someone close to home.
Q: When do you have to go back to work?
A: I took 10 weeks off and am planning to enjoy that time. My husband doesn't have time off because he is a contractor. He won't get paid if he doesn't go into work.
Q: Is she sleeping through the night?
A: She is doing pretty well but now that she has her appetite, she is waking us up quite regularly.
Q: When we adopt, I'd love for you to go shopping with me and help me pick out all of the stuff we'll need for the baby.
A: I'd love to do that. There's so much to buy and I know all of the right places to go to help you save money on things like a crib, a stroller, a car seat and the rest of the basics.
Q: What's your biggest expense right now?
A: Formula and diapers! You wouldn't believe how much it all costs. She's worth every penny, though.
Of course there were so many more questions because we hung out with them for a couple of hours. Since that visit, I've been very thankful that I have the opportunity to work from home. Working from home will allow me the flexibility to provide a stable environment for a child.
It was just over a year ago that I was working as a freelance writer. When Robert and I decided to adopt, I approached my favorite client and asked her if she would hire me full-time. It took her a month or two but she finally said yes. I set up my office at home and haven't looked back since. I'm able to conduct meetings on Skype and on the phone so I can schedule them at a time that suits my needs.
Because of my flexible schedule, I can drop work at a moment's notice and address the needs of a child. If he or she wakes up and needs a bottle, I'm there. Doctor visits are no problem - even unexpected ones! And because I have a flexible schedule, I can spend a lot of time with a baby when he or she is awake to cuddle and bond.
Even cooler, Robert's job provides insurance and he's home every day before 5pm. He comes in, kisses the dogs and unwinds then we spend the rest of the night together doing whatever - cooking and eating dinner together, talking about our day, watching television, playing Scrabble ... and once a week we go out on a "date night," which usually means taking a walk downtown and eating at a new restaurant. We're a very stable and predictable couple ... but one that is ready to care for a child.
Stability and a regular schedule are key to providing a sense of security and self-worth in the life of a child. I am just so thankful that Robert and I are able to provide that stability.
As for our friends, we are looking forward to babysitting, and I'm sure they'll take us up on that soon!
You might also like:
Adoption From the Perspective of a Birth Parent
Parenthood: Open vs. Closed Adoption
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Parenthood: Open vs. Closed Adoption
I don't know if you watch the show Parenthood, but right now, there's a story line about adoption. Julia and Joel have a little girl but decided they wanted another child. After trying and trying, they learn that Julia is infertile. They decide to adopt. (Isn't this just wrapping up nicely?) Julia meets Zoe, a coffee barista who works in Julia's office. Turns out, Zoe's pregnant. Julia strategically strikes up a friendship with Zoe and then asks Zoe if she can buy the baby. Yes folks, I did say "buy the baby." I was appalled at that language - especially since the Julia character is a lawyer - but television is television, after all. (See my post on Juno.) Zoe, who really likes Julia, says no. Shocker for all.
Never having adopted (but truly wishing that an adoption will come through for us), and never having had a baby, I have never been in the situation that Zoe is in. (Again, I do realize this is a TV character and not real at all!) But when Zoe told Julia the reason she didn't want Julia and Joel to adopt the baby, I was surprised ... she wanted a closed adoption.
In a closed adoption, the birth parents remain anonymous to the child. In an open adoption, the birth mother or birth parents decide on some level of contact with the child. Whether that be yearly photos and a letter, periodic emails or a higher level of contact is up to the birth parents and adoptive parents to decide. I always assumed that for our adoption, the birth parents would request some level of openness.
Robert and I are willing to consider all of the birth parents' requests without judgement - no matter what they are. And I have no judgement about this character Zoe at all. (Even if she was a real person and not a character on a TV show.) I have not been in that position and don't know what I would choose if that choice was mine. I think what's important to understand is that birth parents have choices, and they should explore those choices to decide what's right for them. And vice versa.
A television show is fine for what it is - entertainment - but if you really want to know what your options are, educate yourself. Read as much as you can. Talk to people who are experienced. An adoption attorney (lawyer) is a great place to start. Meanwhile, you can start your journey here:
Unplanned Pregnancy: Educate Yourself
Never having adopted (but truly wishing that an adoption will come through for us), and never having had a baby, I have never been in the situation that Zoe is in. (Again, I do realize this is a TV character and not real at all!) But when Zoe told Julia the reason she didn't want Julia and Joel to adopt the baby, I was surprised ... she wanted a closed adoption.
In a closed adoption, the birth parents remain anonymous to the child. In an open adoption, the birth mother or birth parents decide on some level of contact with the child. Whether that be yearly photos and a letter, periodic emails or a higher level of contact is up to the birth parents and adoptive parents to decide. I always assumed that for our adoption, the birth parents would request some level of openness.
Robert and I are willing to consider all of the birth parents' requests without judgement - no matter what they are. And I have no judgement about this character Zoe at all. (Even if she was a real person and not a character on a TV show.) I have not been in that position and don't know what I would choose if that choice was mine. I think what's important to understand is that birth parents have choices, and they should explore those choices to decide what's right for them. And vice versa.
A television show is fine for what it is - entertainment - but if you really want to know what your options are, educate yourself. Read as much as you can. Talk to people who are experienced. An adoption attorney (lawyer) is a great place to start. Meanwhile, you can start your journey here:
Unplanned Pregnancy: Educate Yourself
Creating Traditions
Robert and I don't go to church on a regular basis. He was brought up attending the Church of England and I was raised as a Presbyterian. Both of us have read the Bible and have faith, but don't feel the urge to attend church in order to practice that faith. Christmas eve is a different story, though.
When I was a little girl, Christmas eve was a magical time. Our entire family would gather together and go to a restaurant for dinner. Afterwards, we'd head back home, read The Night Before Christmas and set cookies and milk out for Santa. Then, late in the evening, we'd head to church and attend a candlelight Christmas service.
Candlelight Christmas service at our church was like nothing you've ever seen. Everyone was dressed for Christmas and in the best of spirits. The church was adorned with garlands and wreaths. A white-lighted Christmas tree sat in place at the front of the pews. Attendees sang Christmas tunes (including the German version of "Oh Christmas Tree") along with the choir. The preacher read verse from the Christmas story in the Bible and delivered a 15-minute litany on peace and love. But the topping on the cake ... the event I always waited for ... was the singing of "Silent Night" in candlelight.
Ushers lit candles at the front of the church then stopped at every pew to light a church-goer's candle. That church-goer would turn around and light his neighbor's candle. One by one, all of the candles were lit to the tune of Silent Night. At first, the organ player tapped along but by the last verse, the hall was quiet except for the voices of the church goers and the light of those beautiful candles. Magic. That's all I have to say about it.
This year we attended the candlelight service at my parents' church. It's an old church, erected gothic-style in the 1700s, and has the feel of my childhood. Everyone in my family attended, young and old. Sure, my sister and her son were playing hangman on the program and my sister refused to take communion ... modern ways avail. But by the time we sang "Silent Night," everyone joined in.
Creating traditions is what creates family. We have a lot of traditions in my family but one I hope will never go away, and that's the candlelight service on Christmas eve. Of course, after we adopt, we'll create new traditions. For Christmas, Robert says we are doing away with leaving out a glass of milk for Santa. In England, Santa gets a glass of sherry and a mince pie ... that sounds like a great new tradition to me!
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