On Judgement

Last night at a company dinner, I met a contractor who told me she had adopted a child domestically. She offered to talk to me about her experiences with adoption. I was completely blown away by her kindness in offering to share her story.

During the course of our conversation, she told me that their birth mother always felt like people were judging her. She mentioned specifically that the birth mother felt like the nurses in the hospital were judging her. And maybe they were, though the contractor I met said the nurses were all lovely during the birth. 

Being new to this adoption process, I never really even considered that a birth mother might feel judged. What a yucky thing, to feel like you're being judged. Especially since birth mothers are about the most selfless people I can think of. Instead of choosing the alternative, they choose to give birth to a wonderful little baby. Then, no matter how hard it is, they make the choice of an adoption plan ... for whatever reason. Maybe the birth father left and she just can't make it on her own financially. Maybe she's exceptionally young and knows someday she'll be ready to rear a child, but right now is just not the right time. Any way you look at it, birth mothers are selfless people. And I admire them.

I got pregnant when I was very young. I was scared and had no idea what options were out there for me. I was afraid of being judged. And so I made a very hard decision ... and its one I've regretted many times over. I've come to terms with it - I still have a place in my heart that will forever be broken - but I just wasn't ready. I've learned not to judge myself. And isn't that the hardest thing of all? To learn not to judge yourself? To learn to be compassionate toward yourself?

Who would I be to judge someone for giving life to a child and making sure that child is provided for in the best way possible? It's not about judgement. It's about opportunities. 

So, if you're a birth mother and you're feeling judged, always remember that you're making the choice of adoption for the best reason of all ... love. Have compassion for yourself. I do.

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So you think you're pregnant
You're not on your own

So You Think You're Pregnant

So you think you're pregnant. Now what?

The very first thing you need to do is schedule an appointment with your doctor. You can see a family doctor or an OB/GYN. OB is short for obstetrician, a doctor who has been trained in pregnancy and childbirth. An OB can deliver your child. GYN is short for gynecologist, a doctor who has been trained in reproductive health. A gynecologist can do yearly pap smears, which screen for cancer and other diseases. They can also test for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

If you do not have a doctor, or feel like you cannot afford one, there are many things you can do. Go to your local health department. Visit your local hospital and ask about a payment plan. Look into applying for Medicaid. Call or visit Planned Parenthood and ask them about options. It is so important that you start receiving medical care immediately if you are pregnant.

During your doctor visit, your doctor will ask you questions such as, what was the date of your last period? You will most likely have a pelvic exam, a urine test and a blood test. Your doctor may also put you on prenatal vitamins. Prenatal vitamins contain at least 400 mcg of folic acid, also known as folate or vitamin B9. Taking 400 mcg of folic acid every day during your pregnancy (and even before pregnancy) can help protect your baby from birth defects of the spine and skull.

Things that can harm your baby

• While you are pregnant, avoid drinking alcohol, especially during the first trimester. If you drink during your pregnancy, your baby may develop fetal alcohol syndrome. Fetal alcohol syndrome causes mental and physical problems.
• Smoking pot or taking drugs during pregnancy can result in miscarriage, premature labor or fetal death (death of the baby in the womb).
• Smoking cigarettes or inhaling second-hand smoke can cause major problems once your baby is born. SIDS, or sudden infant death syndrome, is when a baby dies suddenly without warning while he or she is sleeping. Smoking and exposure to second-hand smoke while you are pregnant is associated with miscarriage, stillborn babies and premature birth. 

Things to do for your baby's health

• Schedule an appointment with your doctor as soon as you suspect you are pregnant.
• Take prenatal vitamins that contain 400 mcg folic acid.
• Eat lots of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, water, baked or grilled low-fat meats.
• Drink plenty of milk. If you are lactose intolerant, ask your doctor to suggest milk alternatives.
• Exercise for 30 minutes or more on most days of the week. Walking is great exercise but always check with your doctor before starting a new exercise routine if you are pregnant.
• Get a lot of rest. Take naps during the day.

To find out more about what to do if you suspect you are pregnant, visit the following resources:

American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

American Pregnancy Association

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Thoughts on Juno

Picture from: http://www.barrylou.com/juno.html

Have you ever seen that movie Juno? You know the one. A quirky high school girl gets pregnant and decides to terminate the pregnancy then has a moment of reality and changes her mind, consequently choosing an adoption plan? (Whew!) The movie's received a lot of criticism because it doesn't take the perspective of the birth mother seriously enough. After reading birth mother blogs and birth mother books and meeting a deeply grieving birth mother, I can definitely see how Juno would be ... well, almost insulting to a birth mother. Then again, I've never been a birth mother. But I have been pregnant when I was young. Unlike Juno, I didn't choose adoption. And now, here I am at a time in my life when I would love to have a baby - and I can't. I understand the grieving, and honor it.

What struck me, though, while I was watching the first meeting scene, was the portrayal of the adoptive parents. Jennifer Garner plays an overzealous adoptive mother. Her desperation to be a mother simply oozes. Her perfect life is just a facade for the broken, anxious mess that she's become. Jason Bateman plays the complete opposite, a complacent adoptive father who isn't happy in his marriage.

The first time I watched this movie, I thought, "what an a**hole." But, having gone through the experience of infertility, I know what the whole process can do to a marriage. Month after month you face the fact that you aren't pregnant. You take hormones that make you crazy. The doctors and health care providers aren't sympathetic. It's all so ... clinical. The pressure on both the wife and the husband is enormous. You lose a sense of who you are and it just becomes all about the process. Robert and I learned that path just wasn't for us.

Back to Juno. In one scene, Juno walks up the stairs of the adoptive parents' home to go to the bathroom. On the wall by the staircase is a series of pictures, the adoptive couple dressed all in white, smiling at the camera looking like models in a frame on the shelf of Macy's. That's hilarious. Once my sister had our entire family buy blue shirts and black pants for a family photo. I bought one of them and put it in a box. It wasn't us. We don't believe in shiny lights and photoshop. We are who we are.

Despite the extreme character portrayals, if I were to write a book about adoption, it would have to be like Juno. A little quirky, a little humor sprinkled in with a lot of reality. Humor is a coping mechanism - and the business of infertility and adoption is serious business.

Am I like the Jennifer Garner character? Well, I don't think she would own two crazy dogs that like to sleep on the furniture. Because I work from home, I wear jeans most of the time. You won't find a sitting room in our house and it's not perfectly clean. We don't have a maid. And if you've seen the pictures of Robert, you already know he's not like Jason Bateman. He's very affectionate and energetic. He's looking forward to being an adoptive dad. The both of us have gone through some pretty tough times together, which have made us stronger than ever. Robert is the best friend I've ever had.

Despite it all, I like the movie Juno. This is one fictional situation - and every adoption story is different. So I can watch it with perspective and appreciate it for what it is. Just a movie. I know our own adoption story will involve a lot of emotions - fear, doubt, anger, sadness, happiness, hope and maybe even some humor sprinkled in with all of that.

The Traveling We Do

Every year, Robert and I take a couple of trips. One is always for our anniversary. We pull out a map, point at a city and simply go for about four days. The other trip might be a week-long family vacation. In years' past, we've gone to Hilton Head, Boston and Salem, Washington, DC and even Nashville.

And then there are the countless trips we have taken individually. Once upon a time, I traveled for a living so I've been all over the place: California, Washington, Arizona, Texas, Michigan, New York, Florida, Georgia and more. Plus, when I was a girl, I traveled across Europe, visiting England, France, Germany, Switzerland, Austria and Italy. Robert's jobs have allowed him to travel all over the world, from Japan to Afghanistan to Australia to the Eastern block and countless more. 

We both appreciate cultures from around the world. When we visit a place, we try to walk as much as possible, because there's no better way to get to know the people of a region than to walk amongst them. 

When we finally adopt our special someone, it's our hope that when our adoptive child is old enough to experience travel, our traveling adventures will be done as a family ... not all the time - we plan to provide a stable home life with friends, family, hobbies, education - but at least once a year, we'll head somewhere fun. Over a lifetime, that's a lot of trips! We'd like our adoptive child to learn about the people and places of the world and to have a greater awareness of what it means to live in a culture that is different from our own. 

Meanwhile, here are just a few of the trips we've taken in the past few years:

In Boston, we walked the Freedom Trail from end-to-end, enjoyed lobster rolls and walked the cobbled streets of Quincey's Market.

We got into the spirit of Halloween in Salem, Massachusetts. The streets were lined with Halloweeners of all ages dressed in costume and celebrating the history of Salem and the autumn. We got there by ferry.

Robert's parents still have a home in England. We traveled there a few years ago and had a real Dickens' Christmas. Here we are eating the traditional fish and chips after walking through the Canterbury Tales exhibit. England is indeed a jolly old country and the people are incredibly friendly.

Not the greatest picture, I'll admit, but Nashville holds great memories for us. We stayed at the Union Station hotel, which is located on the main strip. Every morning, we got up, took an early morning walk, had breakfast and then set out for a new adventure.

I just recently talked Robert into taking me to Hilton Head. Though my family has always traveled to the beach every summer, Robert has never really been interested until now. We flew into Savannah, rented a convertible Mustang and drove to the beach.

Robert's family loves history. So this year, for his dad's birthday, we all headed to Williamsburg, Jamestown and Yorktowne. We took our 14 year old nephew who was totally bored by it all ... and I don't blame him. I can only take so many battlefields myself. Despite that, it was great family fun.

I never had any desire to travel to Utah but we went ... I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. You see buffalo in this picture behind me. There really are wide open spaces in the world, and Utah is one of them with the snow-capped mountains and the lovely rabbitbrush.

Did I mention we like to hike? Here we are hiking in Gatlinburg. (That's me and Robert's dad who always carries a nice little treat in his backpack.) At the top of this hike was a lovely waterfall.

These are just a few of the places we've been. We don't always take pictures, but we sure do always have fun.